A couple of years ago, I created an email address to accompany this column. I decided it would be good to connect with readers and see what they say about my writing.
It has been an interesting experiment. At first, the inbox was full. A couple of years ago, I was much more political in my writing, and so I was inundated with emails that took exception to what I had written. Usually politely. Sometimes, not so much.
But still, I found the exercise useful. It made me double and triple check my facts so I had sources to answer. It made me rethink some examples I would give because I didn’t want to shut my readers out, just to challenge them. And then, over time, I realized that I was spending too much time writing and defending columns. I switched to a political model from time to time, which makes me much less anxious. For the most part, I try to write about life and how often I screw up. This meant that the flood of emails in my inbox slowed down and stopped.
The other week someone told me they sent me an email and I didn’t see it. I checked the old spam folder. I rarely check this. After all, it’s usually spam, but lo and behold: there was this person’s email! I took it out of spam to reply and then fell down the hole of reading my spam subject lines.
The most surprising thing about spam is how much of it is obviously spam. I mean, who clicks and replies to a subject that sounds like a clumsy 1930s movie pickup line? Yes, there were requests to meet, requests to send money, requests to donate money, and requests to improve my business’s SEO.
(This is search engine optimization, which, to oversimplify, is how Google finds your website.)
Then a trend emerged. A disturbing trend, which made me suddenly imagine the life of someone who probably doesn’t exist.
They all started looking for a boy named Bryan.
Bryan appeared in the subject or sample text of every third or fourth email. And it looks like Bryan has a lot going on. It seems he met a woman last summer, and she wants to reconnect. I could have a better job if I just tried this new job recruiting service. You may be missing out on a great investment opportunity. Amazon is concerned about a purchase on your account. Your Visa-Mastercard may offer a better rate. They have been trying to contact him about extending the warranty on his car.
But then things turned ominous.
“Bryan, we need to talk about my offer.”
“I haven’t heard from you, Bryan. You don’t have much time left.”
“You really have to take me up on my offer, Bryan.”
“Time is running out, Bryan.”
Whatever Bryan is, he has limited time to take care of it. I guess whoever this spammer is, they made him an offer he couldn’t refuse, but he seems to be turning it down. What could happen to Bryan, if he didn’t accept this offer? How much time does Bryan have left?
Google has been so good at spam filtering that most of us don’t even bother to plumb the depths of our spam folder unless we absolutely have to. Between SEO optimization ads and various pharmaceutical interventions, what evils are lurking in the spam folder?
For me, it was a lot of wasted time.
But I also got to imagine Bryan’s life (not the movie), someone living in a Robert Ludlum thriller and running out of time. Then I have to go back to my daily life and click on my empty inbox. I think when things work well, like our spam filters, we take them for granted. There are so many processes going on behind the scenes, so many experts acting with expertise, so many safeguards and machines running smoothly that we forget how, just a few centuries ago, we had regular outbreaks of cholera because we hadn’t yet discovered ourselves as a species not to empty our bowels where we drink. We only notice our car tires when they leak. We only worry about the water heater when the water is not heated. We only go to the doctor when we are sick.
Today, I found myself grateful for a 99% accurate spam filter and an empty inbox.
And I’m really worried about Bryan. I hope he avoids this watch, meets up with that woman from last summer, and rides off into the sunset in a car with a new extended warranty.
Good luck, Bryan! We are all counting on you.
Andrew Bundy is a husband, father, teacher, writer and nerd. You can contact him at bundycolum@gmail.com.
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